Shedding "Shoulding": Breaking Free from Unrealistic Expectations

Shedding "shoulding" is about breaking free from the unrealistic expectations.

A musician in a serene setting gracefully plays a wooden harp, lost in the melody.

How often do you find yourself saying, "I should be doing this" or "I should have done that"? This constant barrage of "shoulds" can weigh us down, creating unnecessary pressure and guilt.

For Black women, who often face compounded expectations from society, family and ourselves, the habit of "shoulding" can be especially overwhelming.

Shedding "shoulding" is about breaking free from the unrealistic expectations that dictate how we live, work, and show up in the world. It’s about reclaiming your power, honoring your choices, and living authentically.

What Is "Shoulding"?

"Shoulding" is the act of placing unnecessary obligations or expectations on yourself, often based on external pressures or outdated beliefs. It sounds like:

• I should have figured this out by now.

• I should be further along in my career.

• I should always be available for others.

These statements often come from societal norms, cultural expectations, or internalized guilt and can create a cycle of shame, stress and self-doubt.

Why "Shoulding" Is Harmful

1. Erodes Self-Worth

Constantly "shoulding" yourself implies that who you are or what you’re doing is never enough. This mindset can chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.

2. Promotes Guilt and Shame

When you don’t meet your "shoulds," it’s easy to fall into a cycle of guilt or shame, feeling like you’ve failed even when you’ve done your best.

3. Creates Stress and Burnout

Trying to live up to unrealistic expectations can leave you feeling overwhelmed, drained, and disconnected from what truly matters.

4. Distracts from Your Values

"Shoulds" are often rooted in what others expect of you, pulling you away from your personal goals and values.

Shedding "Shoulding": A Path to Freedom

1. Recognize Your "Shoulds"

The first step is awareness. Pay attention to when you use the word should and ask yourself:

• Where is this expectation coming from?

• Is this truly important to me, or am I trying to meet someone else’s standard?

2. Reframe Your Language

Replace "should" with empowering alternatives that reflect your choices and values:

• Instead of "I should work harder," try "I choose to rest so I can perform at my best tomorrow."

• Instead of "I should have known better," say "I’m learning and growing from this experience."

3. Set Boundaries Around Expectations

Not every expectation deserves your energy. Practice saying no to obligations that don’t align with your priorities or well-being.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself when you don’t meet every expectation. Celebrate progress over perfection and remind yourself that growth takes time.

5. Focus on Your Values

Ask yourself: What truly matters to me? Centering your actions around your values allows you to let go of "shoulds" that don’t align with your authentic self.

The Freedom of Living Authentically

Shedding "shoulding" is not about ignoring responsibilities or abandoning goals—it’s about freeing yourself from the weight of unnecessary expectations.

It’s about living intentionally, making choices that reflect your values, and honoring your needs without guilt.

When you stop "shoulding," you:

• Feel lighter and more at peace.

• Gain clarity on what truly matters.

• Build a life that reflects your authentic self.

A Call to Action

Take a moment today to notice your "shoulds." Which ones can you let go of? How can you replace them with choices that honor your needs and values?

You don’t have to live by anyone else’s rules or expectations.

Shedding "shoulding" is an act of self-love and liberation—one that allows you to step into your power and live a life that’s truly yours.

P.S. Need an extra dose of inspiration and empowerment? Tune into the Space for Sistas® Podcast at www.spaceforsistas.com/podcast.